Fu Cheng Yih Noodles Lost In Translation

After my food poisoning episode the other day, I dropped into Dragon Land to pick up some fermented bean curd, some daikon, and some different noodles than I had at home. Noodle soup makes me happy. I like Dragon Land because it is a narrow one-aisle shop in a crappy half-deserted strip mall, and is conveniently located next to a state "wine and spirits" store. They have heaps of obscure produce, duck feet and a selection of mostly (I think) Taiwanese items that allow a segment of East Asian students to bear central PA for a few years. Unpretentious and delivers the goods.

So I got some Yih noodles, maybe also called Guan Miau noodles.

I didn't know what these really were, they just looked good, so when I got home I checked the back of the package to see if there was anything specific about cooking them. I know less now than I did before. There's a product description and then possibly three cooking methods(?) in a whack translation. To wit:

The specific dry Guan Miau Noodle in the sun manner is started from this idea. The original idea to dry the noodle was maintained them at a long time. Un-thought used the specific dried the noodle in the sun manner can be became the noodle Q-tastier and delicious. The technical is growing now, there are a lot of roasting machines, we did not find any roasting machine can be replaced the taste of the specific dry the noodle in the sun.

Obviously I infer that this is a sun-dried noodle made in an old style whose taste cannot be replicated by roasting machines. It's relatively easy for me to translate this into standard English since this is how most American undergraduates form sentences these days. How to cook it:

Braises fries: Use enough water, Heating after complete ebullition of by the fire maintenance of water, Puts in the boiling water the noodles, Disturbs slightly, Approximately 3-4 minutes, Fishes the noodles drainings does, Joins needs the seasoning, Braises fries then uses.

Gollum and Yoda seem to be free-lancing in translation services in-between major films. In The Empire Strikes Back there is the scene in Yoda's hut where he fixes a stew for Luke and himself: they deleted the part where Yoda intones "Fishes the noodles drainings does" right before the impatient Luke lashes out.

On to Recipe #2:

Flour: Use enough water, Heating after complete ebullition, Ebullition of by the fire maintenance water, Pute The in boiling water the noodles, Disturbs slightly, Approximately 3-4 minutes, Fishes the noodles drainings does, Joins needs the sauce material(the soy sauce, Onion, Garlic Oil trifle & hellip; Pours according to various human of taste adds),After the agitation then uses.

I do consider myself a "human of taste". So clearly they are tailoring their product to my caliber of customer. Very good. Recipe #3:

Noodles [Alright! I was looking for directions for noodles, since they are noodles.]: Use enough water, Heating after complete ebullition, Joins thought the seasoning blends flavors,After and so on reboils, In transferring to the fire still maintains the ebullition, Puts in the noodles, Boils to 3-4 minutes then.

"Joins thought the seasoning blends flavors". That is some obscure cooking advice. If I were really high that's the sort of phrase that I would struggle with for hours. It must mean something ... it feels like there's a deeper riddle to be unlocked.

Result: I finally made my soup with daikon, zucchini, kim chi of madness, garlic, sesame oil, soy sauce, dulse flakes and fermented bean curd. The noodles were very nice and had a good texture. Hit the spot after the food poisoning.

Kim Chi Madness

A few years back I got somewhat obsessed with making kim chi. I'm not sure what triggered this since I wasn't eating a lot of Korean food back then ... but now that I think of it I was watching many Korean films at the time like Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, and some other one with two girls at a lake house and a mean step-mother. The latter film I associate with giant jars of kim chi, fermenting underground for years. The idea of home-based mass production fills me with a particular lust. Perhaps this was the trigger.

I found a basic kim chi recipe on the website of a certain Dr. Ben Kim*. It's a simple recipe, and kim chi is an easy self-fermenting DIY type of pickle that is delicious and therefore awesome. Obsessed as I was, over the next several years I recorded the variations and results of many batches in a text file and the proportions used in an Excel spreadsheet (called Kim Chi Quest), so I could eventually standardize and replicate my ideal standard kim chi. Here's my version adapted from that recipe:

A Napa cabbage - about two pounds
Brine of 2 tsp salt (not iodized) per quart of cold water, at least 4 quarts for starters
5-6 cloves fresh garlic, minced or pressed
A thumb of fresh ginger, minced
8-10 fresh scallions, moderately chopped (incl. greens)
2 tsp dried red chili pepper flakes
2 Tbsp paprika
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt or to taste

Assume a 2 lb cabbage will fit into a quart jar and a pint jar, and a 1.5 lb cabbage may go into a quart jar. I put ~5lbs into a half-gallon jar recently.

Half gallon of Kim Chi next to a quart jar for scale.
This is how you deal with a 5lb Napa cabbage.

Separate, wash, and chop cabbage leaves as desired. Sprinkle 2 teaspoons salt evenly on this in a non-reactive (glass or ceramic) bowl and add water to cover. Weigh this down with a CLEAN plate or similar to keep the cabbage submerged. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight.

The next day throw all this in a colander and rinse well. Back in the bowl or whatever, add the other ingredients and mix this together to coat evenly. I typically use a slotted spoon for this -- I have one that fits into a wide-mouth Mason/Kerr jar and is very convenient for packing the mix into the CLEAN jars: which you will now do. Pack that stuff in there with force to get out any air pockets and add any liquid from the bowl as well. Ideally there's a layer of liquid submerging the kim chi.

Give yourself an inch or two of headspace, close the lid (tight but not white-knuckling tight), and let it sit in a room-temperature place for 3-4 days. Each day I check this and use the CLEAN slotted spoon to compress it and expel CO2. If it's hot and/or the lid is too tight and/or there's not enough headspace and/or you've forgotten to vent it for a few days, expect it to erupt like a warm carbonated beverage: i.e., take it to the sink FIRST and vent it slowly. I've cleaned trails of kim chi brine off my counters, cabinets and floor enough to now take this precaution seriously.

Kim chi stores well in the fridge, becoming more sour over several weeks, and the rate of fermentation slows to non-catastrophic levels. That's it. You have your own basic kim chi. I like adding kim chi to noodle soups, and I wrote a good deal of my dissertation eating ramen with a dashi stock and this kim chi on top. I have been thinking about a cabbage salad with sesame oil/rice vinegar dressing that includes a ton of kim chi as well. Kim chi is down-home, good stuff. It will probably make you happy when you make it yourself and eat it.

Rock!

_______________________________________________________________________
*I don't wholeheartedly endorse his site because he's always going on about superfoods and Omega-3 fatty acids and this sort of crap that I hate.

Olive Garden ....

It shouldn't have taken me this long to realize that there is no such thing as an olive garden, I grew up in California's Central Valley. The restaurant should be called Olive Orchard.

Or if you just want to embrace the absurdity, Pasta Garden.

But no, again, this would have to be a Pasta Orchard. To wit (starts at 0:30):

Luke: I don't .. I don't belive it.

Yoda: That is why you fail.

Not a bad thing to take seriously when you're 8 years old. Or older.